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take family pictures yesterday. but... i spoil everything

Sunday, 25 July 2010 | 08:27:00 | 8 comment(s)

yesterday, something weird happened to me. i don't know. i kept asking myself, why? but, i didn't get any answer. i try hard to chill, smile, cool, laugh, but it seems hard. i cry a lot. my eyes sembab sgt. malu pon ada. but, i can't stop crying. i mad at myself, ask my heart to cool down, stop crying, but it didn't work.

i hate yesterday.
as usual, Saturday is koko day. need to bangun pagi since 650 am kena kumpul untuk pemeriksaan pakaian. all of us need to wear uniform because there will be event kat pusat sukan and we are ask by them to control the crowd. duty at 8 am, then 930 am, going to padang kawad melati untuk ambil alih platun part 2. 1130 am went back to pusat sukan until 1230 pm. pergi pulak ke pejabat pentadbiran. suppose at 12 pm, i'm done with my duty. but ramai PKS tak ada, went for modul, and we need to wait until majlis perasmian at 2 pm. kaki sangat lenguh. pakai boot lama lama. asyik berdiri. tired and rasa selekeh sangat dah. tak selesa. panas. perut lapar, but tak ada selera nak makan. just minum air. ask my dad to fetch me up. tak larat nak jalan. dalam kereta, bad mood habis. suddenly, i cry. try to sorok. but my sis perasan agaknya. they just ignore me.

sampai rumah, nak makan. but tiba tiba mati selera. biarkan perut kosong. malam, we went to photo studio to take pictures together. formal pictures. oh, my fake smile. hodoh aku tengok gambar aku. try very hard to smile. but bila mata memang dah sembab, everything nampak buruk. kat studio tu pun, i cry. what happen to me?? i asked myself to stop crying. tak malu ke depan public cry? but hati and mata ni not listen. keep crying, and i keep seka air mata. then, we went to kedai makan. suppose nak makan at sekinchan, but full. and makanan habis. very laku. so, we went for benjiana steakhouse. i don't think i can eat those western food since mati selera. i ask for nasi. but when my dad bagi nasi, i don't want to eat. terasa bersalah pun ada. ayah and mak keep worrying about me. my perut kosong, need to jamah at least sikit. but, sorry, i can't force myself. tolak pinggan ke tepi, bagi opah.
then, terasa nak makan sate. but when sate dah sampai, i ignore the food. and yeah, i cry again. don't know if people around me perasan or not. tak tahu why i cry a lot. tak tahu why i'm in bad mood. nak kata off, dah lepas. so, it's that because of i'm tired? i don't think so. just my kaki lenguh je. penat memang penat. but i think i can handle it. i just sit there, senyap. at last, i take satu cucuk sate and eat. and asking my sis for wedges since dia tak makan pon. paksa juga makan. habis.

sampai rumah, oh again, i cry!! arghh! tension rasanya. tak tau what happened to me. terasa bersalah gila. sleep at ruang tamu on sofa. cry before sleep. and pagi ni, awake with mata very sembab. tak tahu if my mood still okay or not. just wait and see...

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